I've been using the tag "artist mom" to describe myself since 2010. I think my husband left me and the three crumbcakes around 2009. It's hard to keep track of all the years as they fly by, often in hurricane strength wind... This last year was almost a category 5. And BUH-BYE... But yearly, there is the cycle of life... a cycle to the trees flowering, the grass/weeds growing, the raccoons having babies and to me painting, sewing, taking the cakes on picnics or sunsets... It's an amazing cycle of doing the same thing over and over on a yearly basis. I have to say I really didn't realize this until Facebook installed the "See Your Memories" option. I get to look at my posts from "this day" for all the years I've been on FB. It's ridiculous in a way, but in another... it helps me see patterns in my behavior or nature around me. For example on Saturday night I saw a mommy raccoon with babies in my side front yard... then on Sunday morning the Facebook time-hop had a post from last year where I also saw a mother raccoon with babies in my front yard. So to the day... raccoons are having babies in my yard at the same time. It's kind of freaky. About a month ago someone I love had a "heart episode." Two years ago, almost to the exact day--he had the same thing. So there is a cycle to heart problems? I don't know... but the information is fascinating to me. Seems like I got off track on my artist residency motherhood post... but when your an arist-mom, everything is something to be looked at and discussed.
One thing that I don't have a cyclical pattern for is my love life. Being alone has been one of the hardest hurdles for me to hike my leg over and step to the other side. Loneliness is the dark side of life... and if you step over the hurdle or if you are just pushed, landing face flat in the solitary muck... there you are, it's just you and the muck. And people say, "ohhhh you have your kids to keep you company..." This is not adult company. You can't be too vulnerable with your kids, too honest about your life, and you can't crack perverted jokes. So having a house full of kids doesn't mean you aren't lonely for a man.
In some ways not dating anyone... makes life easier, more time for art and to spend with my children. There are pluses to being single. I have found that the last two guys I dated were more like man-children so having them around was like having one more mouth to feed and ass to wipe. Of course the ass wiping was metaphorical. I just mean having to babysit their plethora of emotional needs.... while my needs were ignored.
The other night, at an art opening, I had an offer for sex. It was more like a daily offer of sexual service more than a one nighter. Although I was flattered that anyone considered having sex with me... I denied the offer as what I am looking for is a man who wants to be with me because he genuinely --LIKES ME--. I know, in these modern times... this is an alien concept--and not a "South of the border" concept but a... "past Pluto" concept. What ever happened to getting to know someone and falling in love with their little quirks? And, yes, eventually those little quirks will be awful annoying habits that you'll want to kill him in his sleep over... but at least at the beginning... they are so darn cute! I want someone who "grows on me" like a nondestructive fungus that helps me to blossom and grow like a hole-ly loaf of crusty bread. Some mutual love and understanding, I'm ordering some of THAT, with a side of respect and a cheese dipping sauce.
So what comes after the loneliness? I don't know. I guess more relationships and failed relationships. I already mastered the eating alone at a restaurant and going to a movie by myself. I'm a pro at both. I love coffee shop lazing about with a decaf mocha and my sketchbook, and my beautiful thoughts. I know my Netflix boyfriend, Anthony Bourdain doesn't like the coffee shop lifestyle... but you can't please everyone all the time. And Tony, don't worry, now that crumbcake #4 is in my life... there is little to no time to be alone anywhere... from the bathroom to public spaces...
This week's goals are to plan a graduation party, list more art and dolls in my etsy store, cook superb dinners for my 4 crumbcakes, take care of the 16 chickens, mow the acre yard, fix the leaky sink, sell sell sell art, finish my large painting and start new smaller pieces, get my doll fabric ordered on Spoonflower. Pretty easy week of goals... AND ... I should add, "Have the love of my life find me."