I have totally not written on this blog in a while... I apologize. It's been a hectic few weeks... months?
I am working on several projects at once, under deadlines, and dealing with my son joining the circus and flying out to California to start a new chapter in his life. I am a mom who has one in diapers and another becoming a man. It gives me some perspective. Every age of a son is a wonderful age. I thought I would dread my children as teenagers--but I love them even more. The love just keeps going and going. And in case my beautiful daughter is reading this--she has been a joy at every age too. (Although if you are reading this, stop! And revisit this when you are older).
A man I know from church died last week. I've been thinking about how fleeting our time is on this earth and about making every day count. This morning I had the pleasure of meeting a friend for breakfast... and there was this older lady walking out of the place. I held the door open for her and thought to myself, that's you, soon enough. I guess if we are lucky--we will be that older woman in the unapologetic blouse having someone hold the door for us and our walker--if we could only be so blessed.
I joined an internet dating app, Tinder. It has left me sad and bitter to add to my other sad and previous bitter. It's tough to be a single mom/artist... but if you really want to complicate your life--add some really douchy men to it. So i ended up meeting two of these guys and the one guy I fell completely in love with... but as it turns out his girlfriend was in love with him too. That ended poorly, understatement. I may want someone to love me but--I don't think it's in my cards. And as every married couple reminds me--"You have your children and art." What does that say about their marriage??? LOL... kidding... not kidding. It's hard to live without love and without sex. I miss sex so much. I'm kinda bent on having sex with the love so I may never have sex again. People laugh at me when I say that... but bringing one illegitimate child into this world... is about all I have the courage to do. So I quit Tinder because it was a lot of men with wives or girlfriends or a whole harem... looking to add another notch on their belt. I pity the whole lot of them.... pathetic human beings in my book... addicted to the newness of the new person... without ever getting to know them before their cover is blown. And I'm sure there are women who do the same thing. And a part of me understands it--I think it's 100 times easier to have a casual sex relationship that may not last very long vs. really putting yourself out there to really get to know someone. Love is service, it's putting someone else's needs and wants first, it's living a life of giving--how many single people think about those things? I think there is the thrill of the chase--which is highly diminished in cyber dating, there is the titillating sex talk, perhaps pictures, a date and then sex... then it's over? I rarely get to the date part and certainly don't make it to sex... To me, making love is like... something you need to do a lot... not just once with a stranger... You have to get it right, and then right again, and maybe a few times more and then more. A lover, a true love, is someone you want to explore for the rest of your life--not just physically, but mentally, emotionally and every other "lly." And I'm willing to wait forever to find a person who thinks the same things as me. And he has to be committed--to just me. So in all areas of love and men... I hath given up. As much as I can feel the actual pain in my heart as I write this--there is no one for me. And because i am so unloveable, there will be no father for my youngest blessing. It's all on me to be both mom and dad.
Every day I doubt myself and every day I try harder. This is the life of the artist, single mom. This is what we do... we cry silently at night and then the next day we put on our best face and greet the morning with joy.