Saturday, June 25, 2016

The Overwhelm

I haven't written in a couple of weeks due to overwhelming life events.  It's been nothing life stopping but it has been art stopping.  I've had my son's graduation and the subsequent party to plan, then one of my cumbcakes fell ill and that led to three doctors visits and finally to see a specialist.  There is just no way to make and/or promote art while sitting on the phone for hours trying to figure out managed care plans.  There is nothing simple about health care and it's full of wasted time and money to get you to the actual place where you need to be.

Yesterday I had the perfect evening planned out.  My children would be having dinner with my parents.  I was going to attend a house warming party and an art show that I was in... and this was going to be the 4th date in what was seemingly a budding romance.  But things don't ever turn out, at least for me, as planned.  I know you are shocked to see me write, "budding romance."  After listing my goals on a pervious blog post... one of which was having Mr. Right find me... I joined a dating app and started talking to various men.  I met a couple nice guys and a bunch of dimwits.  I started dating one of them... coffee, and a couple of dinners later... we were very unofficially dating.  As a mom of four, I'm finding dating to be a pleasant distraction from my art career.  I get that humans have needs and one of those needs is to have a life partner, a best friend, confidant.  I have that need too.  So what started as a perfectly planned evening ended in me being home alone.  I dropped by both events--for enough time to show my face but not to enjoy a drink or to really have a good time.  And I'm back to the proverbial drawing board.  

Monday, June 6, 2016

I Can't be the only one...

Am I at the top, am I at the bottom... have I worked this hard and this long for people to condescend to me and pretend that my work means nothing... to pat me on the head and say, "Keep trying dear and someday you might make something of yourself."

I'm the only one that can talk to me that way.  I'm the only one who is allowed to disrespect me.  I am my worst critic and harshest eye.  Please, don't forget that.

With that said, please tell me ways that i can become a better artist.  Bathe me in your judgement, analysis, appraisal... Really, am I worth anything??  And the most important question, "Am I wasting my time?"

My two year old is upset because... it's just too much to explain why a two year old cries... and when I would get done explaining it... you would be bored.

Any guy artist I know has a league of followers telling them how wonderful they are... they have cheerleading squads of women who want to bask in their artistic glow... to hang on their arm as they enter an art opening.  They want to be seen with the artist... they want to be the artist's muse.  They want to pose naked--even if he's an abstract expressionist.  They want his power.  I wish I knew female artists who demanded such an audience of doting meat heads. I don't.  Do you?

The closest thing I have had to bliss is having someone that I respected tell me that my art was amazing, profound, that i was the best artist in my city.  He made up for every lack of confidence that I let drip out of my mouth like poison honey.

I wish I had the confidence.  I wish I wasn't alone.

Confidence or not... I continue on.